Pet Cemetery

Hamsters and guinea pigs are the most murderous creatures on the face of the Earth. That's probably not true, but after what I have witnessed in real life, I will never feel the same about the furry, little balls of fluff ever again. When our oldest was in 1st grade and we lived in New Jersey, my husband had the idea of getting our sons a couple hamsters. I thought, "Why not? How much work could they be?" We knew nothing about hamsters. So, hubby took two of our boys to a pet store and found two hamsters, one for Nat and one for Cabe, and put them both in one cage. Soon after that, the boys came to me to say that Joe was dead. I was horrified and ran upstairs to see. There was Joe staring into space dead as a doornail. I thought of all sorts of reasons for the hamster's death and even looked at the other hamster with narrowed eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to believe the cute little thing was capable of murder. So, we threw Joe away and got another hamster. This new hamster was bigger and we were told it was a boy. So, in honor of the dead hamster, they named this new one Joe. I decided to put the cage in the kitchen to keep an eye on them. I will forever be traumatized after what happened next. Nathanael and Caleb were watching their hamsters when all of a sudden they casually mentioned that the hamsters were fighting again. I looked over and there was Joe going after Bob. Bob kept trying to get away, but Joe was relentless. As Joe was clawing at Bob, I started shaking the cage and screaming over and over, "No, no! Leave him alone, you murderous creature!" I was finally able to get Bob out of the cage, but it was too late. He was at least able to die in peace. A few weeks later, the boys wake me up in the morning to tell me that Joe had babies. I was immediately confused. Joe is a boy, right? Maybe they were just seeing things. I ran into their room where the cage was and there were these white slug-looking things crawling around. I was horrified, but tried to act nonchalant for my children's sakes. I even acted a little excited so that they wouldn't be creeped out by the whole thing like I was. Leaving them closely watching the hamster babies, I marched downstairs, got out the phonebook, and called that particular pet store. Of course, they had an airhead answer the phone who had no idea how that could happen. She said when the babies open their eyes I can bring them into the pet store. Otherwise, their mother will kill them. Wonderful. After we got rid of the slug-like babies, there was just Joe. When Joe died, this time my husband wanted to get them guinea pigs. He bought two male guinea pigs and put them in the same cage. I think he was in denial. Soon after that, my boys informed me that Joe and Bob were fighting. I guess they really like those names. I ran downstairs and did my usual screaming and shaking of the cage. Before we could get another cage, Joe killed Bob. So, we just had Joe for the next couple years, but then Joe died because this particular banana brain didn't educate herself on guinea pigs and the poor thing died of scurvy due to lack of vitamin C. Later that day, their dad asks the boys if the guinea pig died. Justin said very nonchalantly, "Yeah. Guinea pig in the trash." So, to lessen the pain of the dead guinea pig, my husband proudly comes home with another one. This time, I hope, we will have learned a few things.